There was one very serious and very brief moment in my life where I honestly thought I was going to leave New York. It was about this time last year. The one relationship that will now forever be doomed as the relationship I will compare all future relationships against was in the haze of painstaking endings and long drawn out hysterical conversations of things that don’t matter now, but ended things then. I had started my new job after being suddenly fired from the last one of 7 years and was in a general phase of uncontrollable grief and melancholy.
I had always had a slight judgmental stance on people who moved away from New York, especially if their reasoning being that it was just “too hard” or “too expensive” of “too angry”. I find all of those reasons hog wash. Yes, New York is all of those things, but so are a lot of other places. And honestly, New York isn’t like an abusive relationship, its what I can imagine what being in the middle of the wilderness of Alaska is like. That bear, that looming long and lonely winter, that river, none of these elements give a shit about you and whether you live or die. In that sense its how it should be. New York is like that to me. No one, not the train conductor, the man with 5 kids who is delivering your egg sandwich up your 5 floor walk up on a Sunday morning because you’re too hungover on coke and gin and tonics to see the light of day, the guy who owns your favorite restaurant, no one gives a shit if you leave or don’t. Or sure, your friends will. But thats why they are your friends but the reality is that after you board that plane, they will still get up and take the E train to work and maybe visit you on a long weekend, maybe not. Maybe they will text you a picture once a month of some bathroom graffiti that reminds them of you, but for the most part they will continue on and not think about you as much. Its like that to me. Alaska and New York are damn hell scary and don’t care about you. And I like that.
So when I was telling my friends over and over again that I was thinking of moving, and making my list of cities that I could potentially move to, I realized that I was being and doing everything that I can’t stand. It wasn’t so much that i thought the city was “too hard” it was more that I thought all these bad things, these 8 years of bad luck that just kind of goes with living in New York, like taxes, was a sign from New York saying that it was time for me to leave. Like a break up.
I imagined New York as a handsome but not your stereotypical handsome dark haired male wearing something casual but sexy like nice jeans and a jcrew sweater from a couple of seasons ago, sitting across from me in a coffee shop and staring me straight in the eye saying; “I really loved the time that we spent together, but I think its time we start seeing other people. You know… so we can both grow” Thats what if felt like to me.
So I made my list. Looked at help wanted ads in other major cities, thought about a cross country trip, and generally planed out my life with out the love of my life (in this case, Brooklyn on a fall day). The marathon was getting close and I started thinking not only was this building up to a physical “fuck you I’m better than you” to my ex boss and anyone who has ever fucked me and never called me back, but also a sad and self contained “goodbye” to my favorite place in the world. I felt like a hypocrite. It didn’t feel right and the more I stared at the list of names of other cities, the more I just couldn’t imagine any where else I would be. Philly is too much not like New York, Austin is wonderful but sadly is surrounded by the state of texas, LA is a beautiful nightmare, Chicago is too flat and the people are to nice, Portland is too beautiful and comfortable and for a city that is too beautiful and comfortable I could see myself with a family there but not on my own. I would read too much and my stress levels would probable go down. I don’t know if I’m ready for that yet. And so it came to be that I actually didn’t move because I couldn’t think of any place else I would rather be. A Mari de Monte in Philly or Chicago wouldn’t be Mari de Monte.
So I stayed. I stayed with the job, I didn’t end up staying with the same guy and I stayed in my apartment. I stayed in New York. Three out of four isn’t so bad. And when you run through 26 miles of New York city streets with everyone from every borough calling out your name, begging you and pleading you to make it to the finish line, who are you to say no?
I recently just found out what a Baku is and pretty much my mind is blown.
Basically its this japanese mythological creature that is like, part tiger and part elephant and it devours nightmares and bad dreams and I’ve never been one to get super into Japanese culture but omg where has this been all my life?
I decided a while back that I was going to live a better more healthier life. I started to watch what I ate more closely, I stopped smoking and drank alone less, read more books and went running regularly.
I bowed out of the marathon this year. No don’t get it twisted, I signed up for the mother fucker and paid for it, I did everything I had to do to make sure I was for sure going to be in it this year, but with ever month to week of this year my heart was less and less enthusiastic of feeling proud.
I can’t tell you exactly why my motivation suddenly as left me, or where these extra 7 pounds look the worst on my body but I know that sitting in a chair makes me feel bad about myself. i know that jeans don’t fit me like they used to, and I know that complaining about it won’t fix anything. But I can’t stop complaining about it. Its called a rut. Its called a pit. The perks of this is that I’ve been in ruts and pits before and have always pulled myself out, I’m not worried about that. Only time will allow for that to happen and I’m pretty patient with myself. But that doesn’t make it any less hard. Its difficult to work and feel like you’ve reached a ceiling, its hard to feel like you may or may not be a annoyance to your friends and family, and its hard to be with someone who it feels like sometimes you’re more single than not. And all of that is ok. It really really it.
But sometimes its not. And I’m just realizing that while I’m sipping this neat whiskey alone and smoking a cigarette in my humid, moist kitchen.
I thought it was supposed to fall right now. What happened to the fall weather?
reasons I can relate to a possum:
-tired & unkempt
-emotions ranging from “displeased” to “existential scream”
-no work ethic
-lies around looking dead when overwhelmed
-will eat trash & live amongst trash if left to own devices
-sometimes you feel bad and feed it a sandwich
Her heart sank into her shoes as she realized at last how much she wanted him. No matter what his past was, no matter what he had done. Which was not to say that she would ever let him know, but only that he moved her chemically more than anyone she had ever met, that all other men seemed pale beside him.
How do you get past losing your job? I was recently "let go" for (insert stupid businessy nonsensical reason here) and although I wasn't making a TON of money, it was still keeping me fed and paying rent in the city, and now I have to start from scratch again and find a job ASAP. Any tips on how to not take losing my job so personally, and how to bounce back fast enough so I'm not homeless? (that's an exaggeration, because I have parents who love me and wouldn't let that happen THANK GOD)
One of the many reasons that I kind of stopped blogging as much as I had is because of my being fired from a job that I may not have been the happiest or make the most amount of money but I was very proud of it and it felt like family to me. Losing my job and losing the relationship that I was in at the time with in that year were the two hardest things I have ever gone through in my adult life. Because of that I backed out of my social media scene and tried really hard to focus on myself.
I’m so sorry to hear that this has happened to you, and after 8 years and suddenly getting fired for very stupid and personal reasons, its hard not to feel like you’re lost and at a stand still.
But you’re not.
Here is a list of things that helped me after losing my job and struggling to survive.
- Cry a lot
- While said crying, file for unemployment as soon as possible
- Meet with friends who have also been laid off or lost their job, reach out and talk it out, ask questions on what they did.
- Pick up a cheap and healthy hobby to break up the day from the hours of job searching you will be having (for me it was running.)
- Go for walks. Be as active outside as possible, read books in the park
-Make lists and reinvent your resume
- And the final thing on the list is the most important: You need to mentally flip the situation where you are not a victim anymore. You are officially the most DANGEROUS person in the world because you have NOTHING TO LOSE. Apply for the job that you never normally would go for, sign up for a mud rudder even though you have never seen yourself doing that before. You are amazing, people get laid off every minute of every day the the thing that makes you different from all of the rest of those losers is that you are UNSTOPPABLE.
Life will not end. it will be hard work but at the end of it you will look back and be proud of one person: you. Because you did it on your own and you survived and you’re the beyonce of your own life.
Good luck out there. Burn the city down.